Warning: May have some frighting things in it to people who arent used to it. No joke.
after having thought about it, its probably my abundent lack of social skills or the power to handle stress. Bare with me cause this might be a bit long winded. I present to thou: My life. 
. While coming from a quite religious family. My parents go to church a LOT and our house is currently swarming with maria statues that my mom paints over and tries to uhmm I dont know what she does with them. My mom and dad usually still pray before dinner.
So as a young kid they usually dragged me to church. First the brought me to baptism, (hey who the F*** asked me!?). Then uhmm all kinds of other things. Hence I was thought that when people where mean to me. Or trying to get me to fight, pick on me or what now you should always turn the other cheek and not fight back. Needless to say after getting brainwashed for a long time you start to follow these principals. They kind of work when you are a kid in todays society. (Im not talking about "the hood" or anything. Just the country..) Other kids hit you, steal things, pick on you etc. You just let them, run away, tell the teacher. Never standing up for yourself, cause in you eyes God and your parents wouldnt love you anymore. I never learned solving fights with words. Just let them. One big moment of personal failure for me was probably when my best friends got picked one by some jerk guy. He kept teasing him day after day that his father had left his mother cause he didnt love the children anymore. That he was now sleeping with a whore somewhere else. (In fact his parents did get divorced, but not for that reason.) For my friend this was to much and he broke down. I really wanted to smash this guys face in, (and still do.) but hey! Remember what God said! You cant! So I just stood there. My friend sitting on the ground crying. This Jerk making all sorts of comments about him.
My highschool was pretty okay I guess. I made friends because of this approach to non conflict. I cant remember If I ever opposed someone about anything, I remember once I even got my money stolen by some guy. Still the complying factor went into work. Never got into fights, was an A+ student. But never learned to deal with conflicts and still my defense was let them. I also remember one girl in my class. She was teased untill the point of (failed) suicide if I remember correctly. Everyday in class she got picked on. They waited untill she walked home after school to use some phsycal violence on her. She wouldnt come to school for a few months after the teasing had reached its top. I really wished I could have helped her. But I also sensed that If they had come after me I would probably be much worse. Still let them doesnt do much against a punch. (The girl if okay now, I believe. She has taken up ninjutsu 
and is currently working at a hospital laboratory.)
So after highschool, quite oblivious to what else I wanted to do, my parents mostly decided that they would like to see me work as a male nurse (cause according to them I was caring to others..) So I went to the school in a city pretty far away from where I live. Now you thinks people in such schools are pretty nice. Some of them where. Some of them where nice, others where much socially experienced. They knew how to deal with arguments, knew how to push people over their edges. How to push their buttons so to speak. The teachers where the same. They pushed. Maybe for the fun of it. Maybe I wasnt used to it. I remeber other students being praised for starting arguments and fights in class. Off course I couldnt do this kind of thing, because of my mind set. Then it became time to work in a hospital as an intern. This where the real fun started. The rest of the staff couldnt believe the "thing" they got sended from the school. I was quiet, sticked to myself, never went into arguments, but I tried to help wherever I could. This wasnt good enough for the staff. I got yelled at a lot. People asking me what I was doing there. I my defense was once again, take it. Let them. Do this stuff for four weeks and your ego gets handed to you in a small package, and not in the good destroy your ego martial arts kind of way. Needless to say I became even more quiet, at home as well as at work. I had learned to push everything inside. Everything from elementry school through high school and now this. It didnt feel good but Its all I knew how to handle stress. Then I talked about it with my parents and thank god they let me stop the education. I signed up for an IT school right after that, but it was already full.
Hence the next year. Hmm what know! Work off course! Luckily (or not.) I got offered a full time job at a grocery store where I was already working part time. I took it. Then they nice work at the supermarket started. Looking back at it most people where actually kind to me, espacially an older guy (35-40) that I co-worked with. I still dont know if this guy was mentally handicapped or not. He was a thrill to work with though. Funny guy. He also restocked the shellves, helped costumers and took care of taking in the empty bottles. (Wich I had to do for a few months after that). Working the "embalage" was just dumb. You never got out of this litle shack. The people put the bottles through machines. The machines give out litle coupons that the customers use to get some money taken of their total shopping bill that same day. You need to put the bottles in crates, ship the crates to the back and put them all on containers. In the end of the day a truck came to pick them up. Now there where no windows in there and since I worked there all the time, I came in the shop when I was dark and went out when it was dark. Never saw the sun in 5 days.
Besides me looking like gothic for a while , this also let after all the things that had happend, and my mindset, what was I doing wrong. I began to question everything, my choices. My purpose, my life. It was as if this litle agent smith had taken recidence in my brain and wouldnt leave. Questioning everything all the time. Begin to think I was useless, did not have a purpose (after all my life had proven me this.) I could not do anything right. My parents must have hate me by now for failing. Who would miss me when I was gone. Keep thinking this stuff after being (locked up kinda), It gets to you. So far as one time I accidently broke a bottle. I picked it up and cut myself doing so. After trying to stop the bleeding for a while and focusing only on the wound I realized that it felt kind of good. The pain in my body made the thoughts shut up for a while. The pain in the body overruled the pain in the mind. I started doing it more often, always just a bit deeper, a bit more painfull. Its like cocaine. Very addicting. First with glass shards, then with razorblades, altough they dont infect wich takes some "fun" away. Its a nice game for people who self mutilate. Guess wich cut will infect... I remember one time My shirt was covered in a red stain. Espacially me wrist. One of the people asked me what happend. I just told them I accidently cut myself while picking up some glass shards. People are so gullible. After a while this wouldnt work anymore, so I told them I had a VERY aggresive cat, wich would mess my whole arm up. To my mom I would say the same picking up glass shards. Or cutting while opening packing material. After the 25th cut she had doubts though..but thats like a rule where I live. You cant discuss your problems or weaknesses. Even when I tried to tell my parents that I needed help they said, just go pray. It will help. (my thoughts where, no! It will not f***ing help! God does not exist.) My mom also told me that psychiatrists are just frauds. They dont help people. They just mess them up even more. I could only talk to my best friend about this, who was there for me. Even when I wasnt there for him. By this time his mom had also died from cancer. Even then he was so kind to say that he didnt want to lose me too. He's a great guy.
But the work went on, weeks passed slowly. Cutting got worse untill it reached a bloody climax. Hitting artery's isnt fun. After a while still everybody denied it. Tried to cover things up. Thankfully in that time I also new that If nothing changed I might not be here much longer. I also heard that much sleep and exercise help when you are feeling depressed (wich I must have been.) I decided to join up for Aikido classes in my neighberhood. Some of the people there asked me where the cuts came from. I told the truth,right there and then on the mat. Well, only a small portion, I told them I had problems. But it felt much better saying that then the old cat line again. I trained a litle bit. And I felt I wanted to be just as good as our teacher. Espacially after he had told me a story. It was about this woman in Japan. I believe after he husband died she was all alone with here baby. She couldnt care for it (no money) but she could not give it away either. So she decides on suicide, she slowly starts walking into the ocean. She almost drowns but a fisherman saves her. He tells her that: "If you are brave enough to take your won life and the life of your child, there is nothing you cannot accomplish." She went and got I believe 13 or more degrees of blackbelts in different martial arts. I still take this story to heart and believe deeply that there is nothing I cannot do. I trained so hard in the first few months of Aikido. I poured my heart and soul into it. I went to loads of seminars (and still do) and it is one of the most important things in my life. Once I also drove with a friend from Aikido through about half of our country for a few months just to attend our teachers lessons. While driving home on night the guy told me about his problems, So I told him all about mine. He was great. He just listned and I almost cried for being able to talk about it. I still love this guy to death for just listning to me, it really helped. I believe Aikido kinda saved my life by giving me something to strive for. For giving me a different mind set. For giving me something to resolve conflicts with. No, not by beating people up. By following just its principals.
Today I just finished my IT education. I'm now moving on a new school to follow. I usually feel great. I now go into conflicts just as happily. Knowing that it isnt bad, knowing that I will learn from it. I train almost everyday, be it at home or in the dojo. I also help teach kids Aikido, wich I love and is yet another purpose. Maybe the reason why I wasnt focused for a while ago was because I was kinda feeling down. But Now I can fight it back. I dont turn my other cheek anymore. I dont let people step all over me anymore. I try to fight back. It just feels so good to be able to talk back to someone. I'll never become a bully, but I wont let people talk shi* to me anymore. Ah I guess everyone goes through this while growing up. Part of becoming an adult right? About religions, I have no idea. I dont care about god. Its just a bunch of hypocritic bs bestowed upon people so they follow a bunch of moral codes. I do meditate, but I dont really tie this into any religion. I now have my own moral codes. My own believes, I am my own defense.
Well fluffy, hope this answers some stuff: "Maybe the reason why I wasnt focused for a while ago was because I was kinda feeling down. But Now I can fight it back. I dont turn my other cheek anymore."
But off course withouth the explanation it wouldnt have made a lot of sense.
*fujin that would be to you, sir*
^_^ Rock on