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Random Acts of Insainity

Last post 02-20-2007, 5:46 AM by VkmSpouge. 907 replies.
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  •  1/29/2004 11:35:00 PM 499739

    Random Acts of Insainity

    Here is yet another Spam thread, post what ever here. Mainly interesting and or funny stuff.

    A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

    Dear Ricky,

    I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

    Love, Becky


    The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

    There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:


    Dear Becky,

    I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

    Take Care, Ricky

     

     

    There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

    "Hello?"
    "Honey, It's me."
    "Sugar!"
    "Are you at the club?"
    "Yes."
    "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I
    saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!!!
    Can I buy it?"
    "What's the price?"
    "Only $1,500.00"
    "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
    "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
    "What price did he quote you?"
    "Only $60,000..."
    "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    "Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
    "What?"
    "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
    "How much are they asking?"
    "Only $1,450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover..."
    "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $1,420,000. OK?"
    "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
    "Bye... I do too..."

    The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

    "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

  •  1/30/2004 5:38:00 AM 508551 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    I think I am going to paint the town red.
    H-here, b-bunny, bunny, bunny...


  •  1/30/2004 8:59:00 AM 508274 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    With ketchup!

    Great stories, Twitch!


    Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
    Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

  •  1/30/2004 4:08:00 PM 508565 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    I do suppose that ketchup would be a lot easier to get than human blood. plus it would stick to the town so much better.
    H-here, b-bunny, bunny, bunny...


  •  1/30/2004 4:19:00 PM 509379 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    Plus the Police might want to ask you a few silly questions about where (or whom) you got the blood from.
    Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
    Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

  •  1/30/2004 4:21:00 PM 509057 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    and it would save me having to ask them to donate. :evil:
    H-here, b-bunny, bunny, bunny...


  •  1/30/2004 4:28:00 PM 509381 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    Why do people paint the town red? Why not pink? Or green or orange?
    Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
    Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

  •  1/30/2004 4:39:00 PM 509061 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    Because the Queen likes red. Now get back to painting those roses red.
    H-here, b-bunny, bunny, bunny...


  •  1/30/2004 4:43:00 PM 509387 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    *Paints roses* Why am I doing this again?
    Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
    Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

  •  1/30/2004 4:53:00 PM 509064 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    I really like donuts. I have not found any good places to get a donut here in Australia.
    H-here, b-bunny, bunny, bunny...


  •  1/30/2004 5:10:00 PM 509567 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    How about good places for drink? I hear the Aussies are partial to an alcoholic beverage or two.
    Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
    Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

  •  1/30/2004 5:23:00 PM 509042 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    I know of a good donut place, I think it's called "Sheila's" or was it "Bruces" maybe it was "Sheila and Bruce"

    mmmmm can't remember.
  •  1/30/2004 5:30:00 PM 509574 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    Good donuts though?
    Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
    Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

  •  1/30/2004 7:32:00 PM 511340 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    It's all about the custard filled chocolate covered ones...

    any way back to my archive...

    Received from an English professor.

     You know that book "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus"?
    Well, here's a prime example of that.

    This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:

    English 44A
    SMU Creative Writing
    Prof. Miller

    In-class Assignment for Wednesday

    Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

    =================================

    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

    =================================

    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

    =================================

    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

    =================================

    Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

    =================================

    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

    =================================

    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

    =================================

    Asshole.

    =================================

    Bitch.

  •  1/31/2004 12:53:00 AM 511312 in reply to 499739

    RE: Random Acts of Insainity

    Oh there are many places to get a drink around. They just don't let me bring the kids in so I don't spend much time there.
    H-here, b-bunny, bunny, bunny...


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