@ Twitch, I almost laughed my head off at that, it does show the differences between everyone.

@ Jwm, Too bad. Have you been watching much of their sport? Australian Rules Football? Cricket? I think the Australian Tennis Open has been on there the past couple of weeks.

---

Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

Well get ready for more, I just might post all of my stash that I have on my computer...

 

This is a compilation of actual student GCSE (15/16 year olds.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to liveelsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin,and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the EmasculationProclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

 

I fear for the future...

Poor kids...and in their GCSEs too. They are the future Chief Executives and Managing Directors of the multi-national companies.

---

Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

Well I got here just as the rugby world cup ended. So I have not seen much of that sport yet. As for cricket............... well I have tried to watch really I have. It is just how can a game take 5 days???? there does not seem to be much going on most of the time.

---

H-here, b-bunny, bunny, bunny...

I know it's a crap game (mostly because we always lose to the Aussies), the French invented it.

---

Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

SO random acts of insainity translates to sports conversation to you guys hehe should have known... anywhoo on to the next thing in my archives for your reading pleasure.

 

Alot of these are actually really good in my opinion, reminds me of Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchet Metaphors...

Analogies, similes & metaphors found in high school essays

~ Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

~ His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like socks in a dryer without Cling Free.

~ He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

~ She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

~ She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

~ Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

~ He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

~ The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

~ From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

~ Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

~ The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

~ Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

~ John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

~ He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

~ Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

~ The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

~ The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

~ The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

~ He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

~ She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

~ It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

~ He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Well the other one didn't get any comments how about this one...

 

TENDJEWBERRYMUD

It's amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the
conversation......

Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud" Be warned, you're
going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published
in the FarEast Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes,an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G : "You're welcome."

I like the first post with the cool metaphors and smilies.

The second really does make you talk funny.

---

Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

THe French! I should have known. :|

---

H-here, b-bunny, bunny, bunny...

hmmm it is late, or early... anyway I wonder if these are from any of the UK DCIers...

 

Insurance Claim form quotes True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms; These were collected by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine.

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
-----
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
-----
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?
-----
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
-----
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
-----
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
-----
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
-----
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
-----
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
-----
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
-----
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
-----
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
-----
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
-----
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
-----
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
-----
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
-----
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
-----
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
-----
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
-----
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not seethe other car."
-----
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
-----
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
-----
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
-----
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
-----
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

Very funny. However unfortunately I don't know how to drive nor do I own a car so none were mine .

---

Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

Son: "Mother, Mother, there's a dead bishop on the front porch!"

Mother: "Owh no, not again, what's his parish?"

Son: "He looks a bit Bath and Wellsian to me."

Mother: "Get your father he'll know what to do."

Father: "Owh no, not again! We must call the police!"

Mother: "No, the church!"

Son: "Let's call...the Churchpolice!"

Churchpolice: "Hello, hello, hello, what's going on here?"

Mother: "There's a dead bishop on our front porch."

Churchpolice: "Right let's get on the case. Owh our mighty lord and saviour in heaven above, please show us the culprit of this crime."

*Giant Hand descends from sky and points at father.*

Father: "Owh well, there's no point in denying it when the Lord's against you."

---

Hehe odd but hey at least others are starting to post stuff.

 

Man rules

Women, you must understand the "Man rules" :- Please see below for details.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! These are what we MEN want to say to all WOMEN! Remember it. And don't moan. If you're a man pass to your partner for a greater understanding. If you're a woman keep it somewhere prominent like on the fridge!

* Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

* Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

* Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

* Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

* Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

* Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

* Crying is blackmail.

* Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

* We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

* Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

* Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

* Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

* A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

* Check your oil! Please.

* Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

* If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

* If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

* Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

* You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

* Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

* The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

* ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

* If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

* We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

* If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

* If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

* When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

* Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or motor bikes.

* You have enough clothes.

* You have too many shoes.

* No you really do have too many shoes.

* It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

* Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

* I'm IN shape. ROUND is a shape.

I have to agree with just about everything there, I see no fault with those rules.

---

Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

Hmmm, got to print that out. My wife seems to have forgotten many of the rules.

---

H-here, b-bunny, bunny, bunny...