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EPSC: She's crazy, lazy and oh-so-lovable!


"The deific powers I emit will surely burn your retinas!!!"

EPSC's World of Art!
GHE Art Department

Euhm, my girlfriend does own a car, but I don't think she even know's where the oil reserve is located underneath the hood, let alone how to gage the oil.
And I think it will be a very cold day in hell before she ever changes her oil herself, up until now, I'm glad the car has a yearly service check up.

@Jwm, your wife has short hair?

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This guy got lucky if it actually worked...

If you ever get pulled over for speeding!

A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver: Yes, mate.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the inspector approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the boot.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, as well

 

LOL Where did you get these things from?

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Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

Very true...I hate it when a beautiful woman cuts her hair

Isnt mauve like some sort of a soap?

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

Mauve I think is purple, apparently women can see many different shades of each colour, lilac, mauve, purple, violet...it's all purple to me.

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Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

Lilac? What the...? Isnt that a flower?

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

Yeah, I think it's a purple flower.

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Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

Over the years I just seem to get my hands on a bunch of things like this and I file them away on word pads in a archive of funny stuff.

Yeah I had a girl complain that the black shirt and the black pants didn't match, she said the shirt was green black! it's black I see no green in it, because it is black.

Painful!

A bricklayer's accident report This is a bricklayer's accident actual (verbatim) report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This apparently is a true story.

Dear Sir
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down on to me, this explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

The whole idea of "matching" clothes goes over my head. I just put on a dark shirt (usually navy blue or black) a coat vest and khakis...I dont care worth crap if it doesnt "match". If it fits and if its comfortable, it matches

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

@ Twitch, I think I heard that one before but it's still very funny.

@Tybs, Khakis?

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Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

sounds reasonible to me...

Brown pants.

 

Hmm reminds me of a story...

 

There was this ship captain, he was fearless and faced every pirate that attacked his vessel. His crews moral was very high because the captain never seemed to get hurt, well one day a pirate ship attacked and the captain turned to his first mate and said "Get me my red shirt!" Now he wore this shirt in every battle and the first mate was used to that command so he did. Then the next day 3 pirates attacked and once agian "Get me my red shirt!" After the victory the first mate asked the captain "Why do you always wear that red shirt in battle?" the captain looked at the first mate and said "It is for moral, the crew can't tell if I am wounded if I wear this shirt." The first mate nodded because it made sense. Well the next week the Ship was attacked by 10 Pirate ships, the first mate was going to run and grab the captains red shirt but the captain turned to him and said "Get me my brown pants!"

ACK! Youre not familiar with khakis? Theyre all I wear!

You dont know those Docker adds that are shown? Khakis are like what businessmen where as casual wear

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons