Okay I'm going to do three movies all of which have something in common.

Space Mutiny
Prince of Space
Hercules against the Moon Men

I'm sure you've guessed they're all Mystery Science Theater 3000 movies:

Space Mutiny (MST3K #820)
The spaceship Southern Sun is in trouble. There is mutiny afoot, seductive girls with psychic powers, disco rooms with hula hoops and the captain of the ship is Father Christmas (or at least looks a lot like him). Only Dave Ryder can save the ship from falling into the hands of the mutinous Enforcers while at the same time seducing the Captain's daughter (Daughter Christmas?) who is twice his own age. Ryder uncovers the mutiny and murders of several crew and leads the forces loyal to the Captain against the Enforcers and their evil leader. The edge-of-the-seat finale sees Ryder chase the bad guy in a high speed chase through the ship.
Sounds a great storyline, doesn't it? Seductive girls. Lots of violence. Clearly there's nothing wrong with the actual formula just the way the people chose to carry it out. For outside shots of the ship they simply use Battlestar Galactica stock footage, the Southern Sun is just Battlestar Galactica. The plot at times makes no sense and there are some really big continuity errors (like a girl who was murdered in one scene showing up in the foreground of another scene later in the film). The hero, Dave Ryder, spends a lot of the time screaming like a girl. But what's worst about this film is the ending. The exciting "high speed" chase is at 3mph in a pair of futuristic golf karts.
That scene alone has me in hysterics but the MST3K guys make it oh so much better. Their quips and jibes at the film are brilliant. The film is best summed up by the MST3K robot Crow, "...in the future there is absolutely no shame,"
Movie ranking: 2/10
MST3K ranking: 9/10

Prince of Space (MST3K #816)
Now there is a plot to this film. Having seen it three times I finally got it. The aliens from Krankor, lead by the evil Phantom attack Japan in order to get a new special fuel formula to power their ship. However their attempts at this are foiled again and again by the mysterious Prince of Space. Prince of Space is pretty much like Superman only without most of the super powers...okay nothing like Superman but he can deflect all the Krankor laser shots.
This is the first MST3K I ever watched and thought it was fantastic the first time through. The film is a Japanese black and white movie and is very bad. A thin plot, awful special effects (Mike Nelson says of the exciting space battle between the Krankor ship and Prince's vessel, "An exchange of deadly negative scratches!") and a very bad script which isn't helped by the dubbing. Phantom's minion's (forever nicknamed the chicken men because of their noses) are the most incompetent ever and they're not exactly up against the greatest of heroes. In the end you're hoping for Phantom just to kill the Prince of Space who's constant reminders of just how ineffective any weapon is against him just piss you off.
Mike, Tom and Crow make good work out of this film. They really have a very good time making fun out of the Chickenmen and Phantom and thankfully the Prince is not immune to their jokes either. Worth noting that the Phantom is one of a few select characters that the crew watch to have made an appearance in the sketches between the movie parts, he's a pretty nice guy when you get to know him .
Movie ranking: 1/10
MST3K ranking: 8/10

Hercules against the Moon Men (MST3K #410)
Doesn't the title say it all? Lets face it if you were about to go and see a movie with a title like that you'll be praying its a parody and not something that's meant to be taken seriously. Thankfully with MST3K help it is very funny.
Once again the plot can be hard to find but I think its something like this: Hercules rides into town on his horse, beats lots of people up and saves the day. Hurrah! The evil Queen is on the side of what I assume are the Moon Men (actually Moon Man, we only see one) who are planning to bring about the destruction of life on Earth as we know it by reviving their own Queen...I think.
Hercules does spend most of his time beating things up with his overly greased up muscles while wearing a waaaay too short loincloth. The camera seems at some points to have a fixation on Herc's greased up nipples. Hercules shows his strength by bending iron bars to escape from a cave but then somehow can't break through a net when he gets caught...The film's dramatic climax sees Hercules race through a sandstorm to stop the Moon Man's plan...
Oh yes the sandstorm. Dear lord, why? The Mads in MST3K give everyone fair warning with the Deep Hurting that's expected while watching that scene but really it just doesn't prepare you (or Joel, Tom or Crow) for it. I reckon 15 of the last 20 minutes is spent watching people wandering about in the sandstorm with intercuttings of stock footage of volcanoes exploding and stormy seas. It's awful. Terrible. It just keeps going and going. The reactions of Joel, Tom and Crow to this are fantastic and turn an unbareably bad scene into something once again full of hilarity.
Movie rating: 2/10
MST3K rating: 8/10

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Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchit. Occasionally saying "Phew! My leg hurts!" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick!

Ultimate Avengers

This is a direct to video Marvel animated feature based on the popular "Ultimates" comic books.  Those who have read Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch's original work will be familiar with the story, although the film is not a completely faithful adaptation of the source material. Still, it hews closer to the comic's plot than many superhero movies do. 

The movie starts in 1945. Steve Rogers aka Captain America is leading a company of paratroopers in a raid against a Nazi base located on a island in the north Atlantic. It seems the Nazis have their own nuclear missile, thanks in no small part to their allies; shape-shifting aliens called Chitauri.  Though they manage to launch their U.S. bound ICBM, Cap is able to grab onto it and cause it to prematurely explode, though seemingly at the cost of his own life. His unconscious body falls out of the sky and into the frozen ocean, disappearing into its icy depths. 

The story picks up sixty years later, when a submarine expedition lead by General Nick Fury, head of the intelligence organization known as S.H.I.E.L.D. recovers Cap's body.  The Chitauri are still around in the twenty-first century and the government wants samples of Cap's blood so they can make new super soldiers to combat this threat.  The head scientist on this project is Dr. Bruce Banner, who has personal reasons for working on the serum (he believes that cracking the formula will help him control the Hulk). They rush Cap's body to the Triskelion, S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters, but Cap wakes up on the operating table. It turns out he was only in suspended animation all those years. Meanwhile, the Chitauri destroy a shuttle setting up a satellite that will help the U.S. track the aliens, killing three astronauts in the process. 

The higher ups decide they can't wait for a new super soldier serum to be synthesized; they need someone to combat this alien threat now. To that end S.H.I.E.L.D. begins recruiting civilian super heroes: the arrogant scientist Hank Pym/Giant Man and his perky wife Janet/Wasp, brilliant inventor and industrialist Tony Stark/Iron Man, and former Soviet agent turned S.H.I.E.L.D. operative Natalia Romanoff aka Black Widow. Super powered liberal activist Thor, who claims to be the Norse thunder god despite others' doubts, is also approached though he is initially unwilling to join up. Captain America is slated to lead the group. Despite knocking heads over conflicting egos, the Avengers are earth's best chance at repelling the alien invaders.

Though animated, Ultimate Avengers is geared towards an older audience. People are killed, and there are some adult relationships addressed, such as the Pyms' rocky marriage and Bruce Banner's recent breakup with fellow scientist Betty Ross. The animation is fairly good, though not awe inspiring, and the fights are quite entertaining. Unfortunately the film is too short, running about an hour and eleven minutes, limiting character development somewhat (though considering the size of the cast, they did a pretty good job with what time they had). Captain America is probably the best characterized; as a man out of time coping with the loss of the world as he knew it. 

All in all Ultimate Avengers is a fun film, if too short.  I give it an 8 out of 10 on the Kayless-O-Meter.

 

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Dungeon Crawl Inc. - It's the most fun you can have without three midgets and a whip!

@Vkm--Hahah!  Very well done there, man.  I loved your reviews for the Hercules and Space Mutiny movies.  These sound like classics for MST3K to attack and butcher.  Space Mutiny is gnerally regarded as one of the top 20 worst films of all time.   I wasnt aware of the Hercules or Prince of Space movies.  The ends of Hercules and Space Mutiny sound so incredibly hilariously bad, it sounds almost like a must-see for those who both adore and abhore bad movies

@Kayless--Aha, yes Ive seen adverts for this film on tv, but generally ignored them as films usually going straight to video are craptacular to an extreme degree.  I mean films that MST3K would have a ball with. 

The plot sounds really like something youd find in comic books, sort of like an answer to DC's Justice League, and introduced well. 

It also appears that you would have to blame and at least expect a short film from it being a straight to video scenario.  You can never be sure about what youre going to get in those and very rarely is there much substance to them.  In this case, it just sounds like length was the only major problem.  But thats ok. 

Im afraid that its appearance may target the younger audience though.  I do hope older fans of the franchise do go ahead and pick it up then.

Thanks for the reviews, guys!

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

@Tybs.

Browsing through these pages, I came across your reviews for "The Pink Panther" and "A Shot in the Dark". On our local movie show, they were reviewing the remake of "Pink Panther" (sounds like crap - it was rated 1 star) and they mentioned that in the original, the role of Inspector Clouseau was a small part, originally intended to be played by Peter Ustinov. When Sellers was given the role, he turned out to be the dominant character in the film, and this led to the umpteen sequels (most of them good).

Right, thats accurate.  Ive heard that story too, but clearly Inspector Clouseau was so good in the first movie they just had to make more films about it.  I feel the 2nd movie of the Pink Panther series (first where they knew to concentrate fully on Clouseau) was the best, being A Shot in the Dark. 

Of course over time, the series got a little tired, and the sad death of Peter Sellers SHOULD have been an end to the series once and for all, but they still decided to continue and there were about 3 flops that ensued (The Curse of the Pink Panther, The Trail of the Pink Panther, The Son of the Pink Panther I believe were their names) and none of them did the series or Sellers any justice.  I think they were simply vehicles to try to gain more money from the franchise.  And now Steve Martin, who I generally find unfunny plays Clouseau, which is an indication to me that its another poor film trying to pick up on the popularity of the series and feeding off its once original ideas.  Whats more is that this new film has gone through many of the same things many other bombs have also gone through.  There was delayed production, there were squabbles among the cast, and some people either declined to show or left the movie entirely.  And finally there was a delayed release to theatres where the film sat on the shelves for a good year and a half.  These just arent good signs for films

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

Its been ages since I saw any of the Pink Panther movies but I liked them (I even had a pink panther costume one halloween). Clouseau's humour came from the fact he was largely unaware of his own clumsiness. His character was quite serious, which was why it was funny.

I'm not keen on seeing Steven Martin in the role as he tends to make the roles he plays into farce and a little of that goes a very long way.

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Nihil est ab omni partum beatum.
(Nothing is an unmixed blessing)

Anyone ever see The Man Who Knew Too Little? It starred Bill Murry and really reminded me of the Pink Panther films... good flick.

Morrigan:

Its been ages since I saw any of the Pink Panther movies but I liked them (I even had a pink panther costume one halloween). Clouseau's humour came from the fact he was largely unaware of his own clumsiness. His character was quite serious, which was why it was funny.

I'm not keen on seeing Steven Martin in the role as he tends to make the roles he plays into farce and a little of that goes a very long way.

The critics seem to share this opinion. I'm a big fan of the Seller's version of the Panther (well, at least the first four films), and won't be bothering with the new version.

Halloween??......in Perth???

@Twitch. I haven't seen "The Man who knew too little" but I like Bill Murray's films as well, and will try to find it. Have you seen Murray's "Quick Change" - Murray and gang carry out a very slick bank robbery, then are beset by a series of small disasters as they try to make their getaway. Very good.

We don't celebrate Halloween in Perth but I grew up in Canada so I got to experience the heady sugar-laden fun that was trick or treating.

I prefer Bill Murray to Steve Martin, as Bill Murray's style of humour is more understated. He can still do farce (eg Groundhog Day) but he leaves out the moronic slapstick that plagues Steve Martin's performances.

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Nihil est ab omni partum beatum.
(Nothing is an unmixed blessing)

Agreed. I really liked some of his early stuff, but Murray's recent films (Broken Flowers, Life Aquatic) have been very laid back. I thought "Lost in Translation" was very good.

Well first off--slapstick is actually the simplest type of humor but its also one of the more complex at the same time.  Because it seems that when slapstick is done well and fits in, it can be really really funny stuff, at least to me.  But when done badly it makes the film excrutiatingly cheesy, forced, and simpleton.  When done badly the film is usually very low brow tripe trying every corner to force the audience to laugh in some way.  Silver screen slapstick really knew how to use that genre to the best of its ability, but recently all slapstick type films are klunkers.

As for Bill Murray, yeah there are a number of films Ive loved him in, Groundhog Day being the most obvious and Ghostbusters and What About Bob being anothers that I can think off the top of my head.   I think recently hes just trying to break away from his SNL persona and seeing how wide his talent expands.  I think he has the capability to do serious and comical roles, or even do like Robin Williams and have a comical role in a serious movie, which takes a lot of talent.   But from what Ive seen of the Life Aquatic, boredom has a new name

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

I like slapstick when it fits... like the issue of Goblins where Senor Vorpal Kickass'o makes his stand, his fumble was hilarious and yet it can also be counted as slapstick. It's like puns, I loath puns... they are the lowest form of comedy and yet when done skillfully can be very funny. Take Terry Prattchet for instance, he uses them all the time in the Discworld novels yet they are so good you don't even notice they where a pun until after you laughed at them... and then you feel a little dirty, but it was worth it.

Thats a very good point, Twitch.  And it really does work there.

But also in the same respect, it works when its entirely non-sequitor and it knows its going way off topic with the slapstick.  For instance in episodes of Family Guy when something entirely random like a wolf attacking Peter happens.  It comes as such a random shock of slapstick, its funny.  And of course one of my favorite shows when growing up, You Cant Do That on Television, they used non-sequitor seemingly random slapstick (Slime, pie in the face etc) as a side part of its show, using it as a running gag and theme

I really like puns though, sorry

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

Tybaltus:

.......   But from what Ive seen of the Life Aquatic, boredom has a new name

Very slow indeed. However, I liked the guy who sang the David Bowie numbers in Portuguese with acoustic accompaniment. It was certainly a memorable version of "Queen B*itch".

Okay... Shhhh, don't tell anyone but I just saw Final Fantasy: Advent Children. It's good, really good; for those who are a bit tentative about seeing it when it comes out because of that first Final Fantasy movie, don't be. The music is cool, the graphics fantastic, the story is enjoyable and there is very little of Yuffie. :D

Barrot swears, Cait Sith tells Yuffie "Shut up woman!" it's all good.

A definite must see for fans of the genre as it actually does it justice.