I know what you guys mean... that carriage scene was pretty damn weird... I remember the friend who I went with to see that movie making a joke like: "Oh, look, Van Helsing is Santa" when the horses jumped... among many other silly jokes throughout the rest of the movie...

...funny thing is that Van Helsing is one of the few action movies where the hero doesn't get any throughout the whole movie... even the priest-guy (Carl, right ? I'm not good with character movies) got more loving than him ...

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"Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo"
I will f*** you in the ass and mouth
Catullus, XVI

Things do sound more profound in Latin...

Well its time for the High seas edition to my reviews.  Two movies that were Oscar nominated and 2 from 2003, so what are they?  Well I watched them BOTH today for the first time

Finding Nemo (G) (2003)

The rough plot of Finding Nemo is Nemo went on his first day of school, but his father, being a nervous wreck, worried about his outward journey.  The father catches up to him, and they have a fight, and in order to defy his father, Nemo heads out to the darker waters, and is eventually caught by a fisherman.  The father goes through desperate means to find his son, which leads to a large adventure, crossing many friends and enemies, while Nemo tries desperately to get free from the human's waterbowl.

Well, I think I knew what I was getting into when I chose to watch this movie.  Yes, this is the Pixar company for Disney, and it had gotten rave reviews.  I agree with many of those reviews.

There were strengths and weaknesses to this film.  The strengths was the plot twisters, the heartwarming and heart breaking moments, and the superior eye candy this film gives you.  I mean there were many scenes that were the best Pixar had ever done in any movie.  There were some scenes alone that made this film worth seeing. 

The characters, well there were weakspots and strong ones too.  I loved all the fish in the mini-aquarium where Nemo was.  But some major characters really ate at my nerves, including Nemo.  Thats not to say I didnt like him, he has several scenes that I felt were strong enough to make him a character you wanted to be saved.  But he was really annoying sometimes.

They also could have done a lot more with the shipwreck scene, but thats just because Ive devoted a lot of my time to shipwreck investigations, so thats a personal thing.

Sometimes they went a little overboard with the emotional scenes too, waaay too many cliffhangers and worrying moments, and sometimes the result diminished what you initially felt.

I found the humor to be good at times and dry at times, but they are trying to appeal to the younger generation too, and there were a number of jokes that would easily be hilarious to younger viewers, but left me out to dry...like when the young kids thought the word "boat" was pronounced "butt" and there is a dialog with that. 

But dont let that stop you from watching this film.  If you play along with the logic of this film, which obviously isnt realistic at all, and you tolerate the younger generation jokes, I think you'll find this film flawless.

a 4 out of 5.

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My next high sea movie that came out in 2003 that I watched today is the following:

Master and Commander:  The Far Side of the World (2003) (PG-13)

The general plot is that you are put into a war ship in the British navy, fighting during the Napoleonic Wars.  The British ship carries over 200 souls, but not all men...some very young people are fighting on the ship aswell. There is a French vessel by the name of Archeron that is the pride of the French fleet.  You are not on the most powerful vessel, but your mission is to dispose of this ship.

Well, this film confused me a bit, because it immediately flows into action--10 minutes into the film things are already getting blown up.  But then after the first battle the movie slows to a dull pace, with some grotesque and unnecessary scenes--there was no need to show them vomitting, and there was no need to show the poor boy's arm being cut off.  Some scenes dragged on--conversations, and plot builders.

But once you survive the first 1/3 of this film, things really do pick up, and you'll be in for a treat.  The battle scenes are very well done...I repeat, very well done.  And there are plenty of dramatic scenes outside the battle scenes, and those are very well done aswell.  These are scenes I will remember for a long time, so the boredom of the first 1/3 of the movie is all but forgotten.

Characters are well played all around, and it is hard to work when you are constrained by a ship for nearly the entire movie.  For you Lord of the Rings fans, you'll recognize one of the crewmen--Billy Boyd (who played Pippen I believe), and while hes not as major as Crowe (the commander) or Bettany (The doctor) he does play his role.  The doctor, the commander and the upcoming commander are awesome characters in this movie.  Crowe could have stolen the movie, but there was plenty of talent to back him up.

So while the movie dragged on early--ENDURE it!  It will be worth it in the end!

4 out of 5 

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

OK.  A couple of random reviews:

American Pie (1999) (R)

The general plot is a bunch of sex craved teenagers seek that ever intriguing mission to lose their virginity and learn about all that comes with it, entralling them in what is supposed to be a very comical set of incidents.

Wow...Im flabbergasted.  This film is appauling.  I cant tell you how many times this film insulted my intelligence.  This is the posterboy of teen movies of this generation if there ever was one. 

There were several jokes, but I found all of them revolting in every way.  This film was a chore to sit through, so that is why I often cringed and left the room or changed the channel only to find nothing else on, so I stuck with my masochistic ways and watched the film...ugh.

Is this what society has turned to?  Is everything sex?  Is it?  Man...thats insulting.   And the film itself, its disgusting and amoral...made me feel bloody sick, it did.  And I thought the brain surgery in Master and Commander made me quesy.

If this is the movie of my generation, than I am embarrased and insulted.  This film barely deserves a rating at all.

1 out of 5

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Big Trouble (2002) (PG-13)

The general plot is....well a gigantic mess, really.  There are plots of different assassinations, robberies, love triangles, its a glorified mess, but once you get into the film its easy to understand, just not easy to write about.

This film is the perfect cable film.  Its short, its enjoyable, and then its easy to move on.  Its a real fun film to watch, but something you shouldnt have payed to see at a theatre.   The cast is very strong with Tim Allen playing the major role along with Rene Russo as a woman he falls in love with.  Patrick Warburton plays a cop aswell as Jeanine Garofalo.  Andy Richter plays a crazy drunken police guard.  Omar Epps and Heavy D play FBI agents...there are lots of characters and lots of crazy actors in this film, but its all in good fun.

Dont watch this film if you want to enlarge your intellect, but damn, I had fun watching this film.   There are so many sub plots and characters in this film, it will be hard to really turn your head.  And everything is turned into such a mess its quite funny.

If you just want a quick fun little film, this should be one of those on your list, but dont buy the video or DVD, just try to catch it on cable, because it isnt worth paying for, but its good entertainment.

4 out of 5

 

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

*This may contain some spoilers*

Just a couple of films I saw recently (or not so recently, but just want to recomend)

Zaitochi (2003)

A film that launched together with Kill Bill: 1 and maybe didn't even get into major cinema's everywhere. But I got a chance to see it.

The story is based upon one of the legendary stories of Zaitochi, a blind masseur/swordfighter that shows up when needed. (Keep in mind, it's a Japanese legend)
When the film starts you quikly get to know all the major characters, 2 strange geisha's traveling the road with a mission. A ronin with his sick wife that wants nothing more then to stop fighting and retire to care for her, but can't because of money. A old women with a nephew that has a gambling problem and Zaitochi himself (although the people in the film only learn his name by assumption).

Zaitochi is staying at the old woman's house and from 'rescuing' her nephew he enters the realm of the evil men that run the region and walks into the lives of the people you met in the the first scenes and ofcourse saves the day.

This film is not for the casual movieviewer as the story unfolds very carefully and some notion of Japanese culture will help you at some plot points. But the story offers some very nice and or cool characters that you will love.

The fighting is done beautifully in an almost traditional way, that suits the rest of the film, that goes for an authentic feel instead of the gorefest it could have been. 

Overall it is a very good film, that I liked better then Kill Bill with which it was often falsely compared.  So I give it a solid 9/10

 

Underworld (2003)

I haven't read all of the thread but I have noticed people commenting about this film in a negative way, and I would really like to give my opinion about this film that Stilgar and I saw together and absolutely loved.

I won't summerize the plot as I expect everybody to be familiar with it.

But the plot is one of the things that did appeal to me. Kayless said that it took away some of the mythology, but that's what I really liked, it's been 500 years since the first folklegends about vampires and werewolves, and I really liked the fact that there was a natural evolution to this day and ages. And it just seemed to fit, the repressed werewolves, fighting in the underground, relying on brute strength and mad doctors. Vampires, being led by a (logicaly) carefull man, leading a life in retreat and utter decadence, while a few of them have the technological means to keep fighting. It breathed atmosphere, the shere utter coolness of it all. Selene is such a great feminine hero, with a past, emotional background and great looks (not just talking about the fact that she was hot, I mean just the name of her occupation: Deathdealer).

The film had a very, very low budget, but strechted it a long way, which is the reason I'm afraid parts 2 and 3 won't be as cool, as I think they will have more budget which will hurt the film. Werewolves looked great, costumes did a lot for all the parties involved, and the lighting was very good, especially because of the color that sometimes came into the picture when specific situations arose.

The only thing I didn't like about the film was the ending, which is explained partly by it being a trilogy, but still, the end of Victor is not nearly as good as the end of the others, and Micheal doesn't look very good.

I liked it, it wasn't a great movie, but it was a good modern vampire/action flick that had a lot more style and class then Van Hellsing, which I didn't like at all. Van Hellsing was overdone in every aspect, starting with Beckinsale's accent, running through the terrible CGI of the werewolf and Dracula, to the very badly done melodramatic ending. Maybe a smaller budget like the of Underworld would have done it some good, as I too really liked the art concepts VH once had.

Anyway, Underworld, in my opinion, earns a 8/10, although it's in a completely different league from Zaitochi, it's good because of very different things.

 

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Hehe, Ronin are cool

But what youre saying by traditional figthting is that it is non-Hollywoodized, right?  There was a Japanese Samurai movie that was compared to Cruz's Last Sumarai, and it was Hollywoodized vs non-Hollywoodized, and its always good to see both aspects.

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Cant say that Ive actually even heard of Underworld before, but low budget films that actually work are so cool!   They use every bit they can, and for some reason it makes it feel that much better. 

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

You can probably compare it better to the Last Samurai looking at the fighting, but it's not like Kill Bill (taking 100 to 1 fights) or Crouching Tiger (wire-fu fights) just simple good swordsmanship, using your sword to kill, not to let the other people see how good you are.

Underworld's low budget really did work, it actually started out as a British independant film. Victor is played by Bill Nighy, who is absolutely great no matter what he does. Which ofcourse helps.

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A couple more random reviews of movies Ive seen in the last 30 days:

Death to Smoochy (2002) (R)

The general plot is a new children's character has emerged and has swept the people off their feet, by the name of Smoochy, the purple rhino (played by Edward Norton).  However he stole the time slot for the prior childrens hero, Rainbow Randolf (played by Robin Williams).  Randolf gets freakin' pissed at the rhino, and everyone tries to get the profits of this new character.

Now this film is a great idea!  It is fresh and new to the market and has the exact formula for a black comedy.  And Danny DeVito directing, it should be gold!  But, ACK!  Such bad execution.  There were few funny scenes, like the marketing scheme scene with all these bonzai products that ride the wave of popularity, but sometimes the satire got out of control and you couldnt tell whether it was making fun of the whole thing or not.  Some scenes lacked intelligence, and sometimes you wish you could have gone into the film yourself and done a better job.

I really liked Edward Norton in this role, and the character was well done, but there were these times in the story line where he would get completely out of character, doing things you couldnt imagine the character would do.

And this film goes beyond rediculous at times...a children's fund that is really a mafia-like mob?  Grown ups everywhere adoring a children's character?  The ONLY headlines ANYWHERE deal with this stupid children's show?  Throw in an Irish mafia associated with a brain-faded boxer and characters who step out of character too quickly and too drastically, and you know what this film does.

And I dont want to spoil this movie to those who want to watch it, but the ending redifines cheesy. 

2 out of 5

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Quiz Show (1994) (PG-13)

This film, based on the real story of the show Twenty One, accurately tells the tale of the scandal that entralled the show.  When the execs at the show give the answers to the contestants in advance and fix who wins the game.

Ah!  This is a refreshing film.  It tells a typical tale of a fall from grace and is the classic tragedy that has the crime of pride.  The acting is absolutely magnificent in this film.  Ralph Fiennes plays a perfect Van Doran, who is adored in the public eye even though he is a fraud.  And then John Turturro as Herbert Stempel...he brings comedy to the film, but in a serious way.  Great fun to watch this character.  And then Robert Morrow as the lawyer that tries to dig to find a way to prove that this scandal exists, he nearly steals the film.  In fact all the characters in this film are as perfect as they could be.

There are several underlying and subtle lines in the film.  It does a good job in hiding them and then when you think about it, you realize how intelligent this film can be. 

The story itself may not be all that much of interest to you, but if you dont know the story of this infamous gameshow, it will all be new to you.  If you do know it, you'll know they are being very accurate and you can follow the facts and enjoy the story.  You dont have to like gameshows to like this film.  Its more about the characters in it, and the characters are perfect.

Yes, this movie became a shocker as it became one of my top 20 favorite movies.

5 out of 5

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

OK, Ive got a pet peeve to discuss relating to movies.

Now last week I finished off all but one of the Pink Panther series (Only Return of the Pink Panther missing), and this week in the news I recieved word theyd be trying to make a remake of the Pink Panther? 

Now this bothers me because Peter Sellers, who played the immortal Inspector Cluseau, tragically died in the middle of filming for another Pink Panther film in 1981.  Edwards, the creator, decided to make 3 Pink Panther films after Sellers died, and all were absolutely dreadful...awful.  And now I learn theyre trying to do it again?  Listen!  There is NO WAY you can ever replace Sellers in these movies...hes just that good.  To even attempt is stupid, maybe even insulting. 

And then I learned who would play Cluseau....Its the terrifically unfunny Steve Martin!   Oh my goodness!  This is a terrible terrible shame!  How could the director do this?  Its a double stupid mistake.  I predict this film will be among the worst....WORST films of the year upon its release.  Its almost a foregone conclusion.  Pink Panther fans, you better be ready to wince.

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

Well, I figure I should do a review of a movie. I will do a review of of one of the best B movies ever. (in my opinion) Mom and Dad Save the World.

 

This is a wonderfully cheesey, not serious in the least, laugh so hard you think you are going to die movie staring Teri Garr, Jeffery Jones, Jon Lovitz, and Eric Idle.

The Plot is this:

Emperor Tod (Jon Lvoitz) of the planet Spengo sees Marge Nelson (Teri Garr) who is an average middle age earth woman and decides he wants her for his bride. Marge and her husband Dick (Jeffery Jones) are leaveing for vacation when their car is suddenly lifted off the road by some giant trackter beam from planet Spango bringing them to him. He then tells Marge that he wants her to be his wife and if she wont do it he will destroy earth. Dick is sent to the dungeon where he escapes with the help of the former king Raff (Eric Idle) where he then gathers the people who are still loyal to King Raff to stop Emperor Tod and free the people from his cruel clutches.

Oh and everyone on Planet Spengo is a compleat idiot.

This is one of the funniest/stupidest movies ever, and if you want to spend an hour or so laughing untill you pee in your pants then check this movie out. I ordered it a few days ago from amazon.com, unfortuantly there is no DVD...

 

Haha!  I know that movie!  I never once considered it a B-Movie though.  It is terrifically cheesy, which is what it is supposed to be.  It isnt being intelligent, it isnt being arty, it isnt being revolutionary, its just being funny.  It is another one of those good cable-movies to catch.  Ive seen it maybe twice, and if Im bored and flipping channels and see that movie, Id probably watch it again.

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

Yeah thats what B movies are, cheesey silly movies that you will see on late night tv. Army of Darkness is forever the King of B movies.

Army of Darkness wasn't THAT much of a B movie....Actually...HOW DARE YOU!

That scene when Ash is fighting those skeletons rising from the graveyard? Pure Talent, actually i can't believe he didn't get an oscar nomination for that! And those special effects for the demon thingies, whatever they are called. Brilliant!

But since i'm in a good mood, and because you called it the "King of B Movies" i'll let it slide.

 

 

 

 

For the uneducated the above post was not serious and shouldn't be taken seriously in anyway. If anyone gets offended by this post will have me personally coming over to your house to smack you for being a complete idiot. Thank you, we will now continue with our feature presentaion "Ultimate Roadkill XX"! Feel free to completely ignore this post, it is but a small step in my quest to become the king of spamming. Enjoy!

King of spamming?    Good luck!   You should check out the king of spamming now, Fluffy Phil, who you can find in almost all the active forums, or just look him up in the member list.

I myself had 12,000 posts prior to the forum going ka-blooie, which would make over 15,000 posts now, but thats the way it goes.

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons

Bah you just wait....I'll get you someday Batman! errr I mean Tybaltus!

 

Eventually.

Fortune be with you young one

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If at first you dont succeed, dont try skydiving
Both diapers and politicians need to be changed--and usually for the same reasons